5 Signs That Codependency Is Crippling Your Relationship
Since it was coined in the 1950s, the term "codependency" has been connected with substance abuse. It referred to the partners and family members of those struggling with addiction.
This meaning has remained until today, but the concept of codependency has widened. In her book, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, Melody Beattie defined a codependent. It's someone “who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”
Codependency is a reliance or even addiction on an emotional, spiritual, mental, and/or physical level. And it can cause serious damage to a relationship.
5 Signs That Codependency Is Crippling Your Relationship
(Any or all of the following may be present in you, your partner, or both of you.)
1. Can't Say No
You may flirt with setting boundaries or expressing opinions. In the end, you always say yes because you convince yourself it’s best for both of you.
2. Full-Time Companionship
It’s reached the point where you can’t enjoy yourself unless your partner is with you. As a result, you do everything in your power to spend all your time together. Not hearing from your partner or knowing where they are can be the cause of intense anxiety for you.
3. Personal Insecurity
This shows itself in several ways. You may, for example:
Obsess over any mistakes (or perceived mistakes) you make
Not set strong personal boundaries
Never feel good enough for your partner and always ready to change if you think it might meet your partner’s expectations
4. Feeling Trapped
Codependency is not invisible. There will be moments of clarity when you think about leaving. But you don’t—because you see being in a dysfunctional relationship as better than having no relationship at all.
5. Controlling
Since a codependent person feels overly responsible for their partner, you will relentlessly seek to be in control. Such control arrives in the form of subtle manipulation to stack the odds in your favor.
Breaking the Cycle of Codependency
Accept Its Possible Presence
It’s never easy to admit you’ve fallen into an unhealthy situation. Accepting this possibility, however, will activate your curiosity. From there, you’re more likely to do the work needed to create change. And you will get into the habit of looking more closely at the words you choose, the action you take, and the excuses you give.
Explore Your Past
This may be best accomplished in therapy (see below), but you can begin the process now. Reflect on the caregivers and attachment styles that shaped you. This isn’t about blaming others. The goal is to comprehend the factors that influenced your development. What led you to your current state?
Practice Self-Care
This is a very grounding step. Codependency leads you to link your well-being with that of another. Self-care leads to a deeper understanding of yourself as an individual. Create routines related to sleep, eating, and physical activity. Practice stress relief. Learn to set healthy boundaries. The process of self-care reminds you that you matter. It also demonstrates to others how you expect to be treated.
Get Help
Like any mental health issue, codependency is teeming with emotions. This can make addressing it seem like traversing a minefield. Doing such work in the presence of an experienced and unbiased guide is essential.
You may choose individual or couples counseling. Either way, you are positioning yourself to better understand your choices. Counseling will help reveal patterns and explore motivations. New approaches are discussed and put into action. And you will be able to see your behaviors with new eyes.
Codependency is a tricky concept to identify and address. Fortunately, you don’t have to do it alone. If you would like to know more about how we can help, please contact us.