Part 1: Noticing the Signs of Codependency
Most healthy relationships thrive on a balance of give-and-take. Partners are supposed to be equals, each with individual strengths, weaknesses, and roles. While every relationship is different in how these roles are divided, it’s usually a healthy balance that both partners enjoy.
However, that isn’t the case in a codependent relationship. Codependency in a relationship occurs when one partner serves as a caretaker, and the other takes advantage of those actions. It’s a dysfunctional way of doing things and doesn’t allow each partner to feel like an equal in the relationship. Unfortunately, codependency can lead to low self-esteem, depression, and even physical health issues for the person doing all of the giving.
If you’re concerned that you might be in a codependent relationship, it’s important to recognize some of the signs. Let’s look at those signs, so you can better understand whether your partner is relying on you in unhealthy ways.
You Ignore Your Own Feelings
Do you find yourself constantly paying attention to your partner's feelings? There's nothing wrong with that unless it's interfering with your ability to pay attention to your own. If your partner seems to have frequent mood swings or their feelings change quickly, you might feel like you have to give them as much attention as possible to be there for those shifts.
Unfortunately, when your own feelings take a back seat, it becomes an unhealthy dynamic. A healthy relationship focuses on the feelings of both people involved. The longer you ignore your feelings, the more they will start to build up inside. Eventually, they'll demand to be felt.
Self-Care Makes You Feel Selfish
Self-care is important for everyone. It's not a luxury; it's a necessity. It's also something most people desire, whether it's something as simple as cooking a healthy meal or taking a warm, relaxing bath. Being in a co-dependent relationship doesn't make you want those things any less.
However, if you feel guilty when you put your well-being first, you should consider it a red flag. You have fallen into unhealthy roles if you feel like you always have to put your partner's needs first. Self-care isn't selfish. If you feel guilt or shame when you're doing something good for yourself, consider what's causing it.
You Want to Save Them
There are plenty of old relationship tropes about fixer-uppers. The classic bad boy/girl getting an attitude makeover is something we love to see on television and in movies. But, it’s not as easy or healthy in the real world.
You shouldn’t have to save your partner from their own issues. They might make you think they “need” the help, and your love for them can drive you to put everything else aside to rescue them from their own negative habits. However, you’re not their parent, and by “rescuing” them, you could actually be enabling their negative behavior even more.
You Don’t Feel Good About Your Relationship
No relationship is perfect. Even the best ones aren’t always happy. But, there’s a difference between moments of unhappiness or discontent and genuinely not feeling good about the relationship as a whole.
If you’re unhappy in your situation and there are very few moments of peace or joy, it’s time to look at whether you’re truly on an equal playing field with your partner or if you’re in a codependent relationship.
If you are, taking care of yourself should come first. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help with relationship counseling. Together, we can cover even more signs of codependency and work through the next steps regarding what you can do for yourself and your well-being.
